Failure....sort of..

Failing at anything just downright sucks!  What sucks even more is when you fail at something you put a ton of work into.  Time taken away from the kids, husband and even friends to work on it.  Then it occurs that maybe that failure was meant to be a wake up call, which in my case may have been exactly what it was.
Not many people around me knew what I had been up to the last couple of months so here is the story.  Just over a year ago I purchased a Groupon for Jazzercise and start going, I loved it and continued.  August rolls around and I had the chance to attend what they call Movement Screening, it is the first initial screening for prospective instructors.  I didn't pass and I thought that was then end.  Well we had a new owner come to our center, she has an incredible passion for Jazzercise...it is infectious!  She convinced me to go, along with 3 other people, to another movement screening.  This time I passed and here came the dilemia.  It isn't cheap to become an instructor, you have to buy into the franchise.  Well I was finally convinced to give it a go, signed the initial agreement in November and paid my money in December.  Right after Christmas I got all my materials.  I started having doubts the momement I paid that money....like panic attack type doubts but I just figured it was nerves.  They never went away though....the problem is if I chose not to go to the final audition for workshop I wouldn't get all my money back...not an option.  So I continued to work and hide my doubts.  Well finally the day came for the final audition, I was a nervous mess.  I won't bore everyone with the details but honestly a nightmare/dream I had about the audition started coming true that night.  When I got on stage it was like a switch got flipped and I ultimately failed, not horribly but still failed.  Of course my friends from the center that were there too all passed and I was insanely proud of them.  Strangely.....I wasn't that upset....actually relieved to be honest.
Over the last couple of days I have spent a lot of time thinking.....I have another chance to audition but the next chance is in April in St Louis, not really a feasible option for us right now and then another one in June here in KC.  Neither option is really a good option for us for many reasons.  On top of all of this....it comes down to I don't honestly see myself up there on that stage leading a class.  I see myself where I was at before all this craziness started!  In the front row loving my workout and loving the ladies and gentleman, I workout with.  I realized I lost part of myself in the process....of course the great women I was working with just knew my Jazzercise side so they didn't see that I wasn't really myself or I just hid it really well.
Overall I am really relieved that the stress of the whole process is over but I am a bit sad too.  But really I am proud of myself for doing something outside my comfort zone, it is good for everyone to do once in awhile.